melinda: so things broke up w bill bc he became distant after we were really gettig close the first cple mos. it turns out he is just not ready to engage closely, he admitted he hasnt ever really spent time thinking about himself n getn to know himself.
anyway, ive been crying so much b it hurts so badly n of course it just touches on my real wounds – family stuff.
im so tired of dealing w this pain. im reading Radical Forgiveness. the crux is u have to stop holding onto victimization n blame n anger n forgive so u can heal. same stuff along lines of louise hay etc

medicineman: Yea this is good Melinda…it’s the pain body. You have recognized it. You are not it. Stop giving it any attention. Deal with today not some story. What about now? What do you need to do right now to have a great life. All of the other stuff is some story and a pain body. IT DOES NOT EXIST. ITS ALL MAKE BELIEVE
you are something behind all of that. peace inside and an inner voice.. listen to that and stop listening to the story/pain
Be present in your body, feel presence watch the pain body flail and kick, who cares, let it reel in pain, watch it as the observer.
Laugh at it. Say “thanks for sharing”. That’s not me.
the book you are reading is great. get it in. remember it’s only a pointer to the same thing louise and tolle are saying and yes, read it and everything else that points you to the source. Trust that God will take care of everything. Consider that lillies. Are we not much more than that?
they don’t toil. there is no pain/struggle. Challenges of today are met. There is no story or yesterday or tomorrow. we can live like that. I am
who fucking cares about yesterday or tomorrow anyway, they never help
only distract with fear

melinda: the thing that overwhelms me is that when i feel that pain i want so badly to be held n comforted. to be given that which i have always deserved. that every human needs. when i feel that way i feel completely alone.

medicineman: Yes I understand and have that need to. Look to yourself to do that first. That comfort is inside you and you can give it to yourself. Once you learn how to find that peace and comfort for yourself you will find that you won’t look for it outside of you. And that a different kind of person will be attracted to you later. Stop looking for that outside yourself in a man. No man can give that to you.
But once you are at peace and comfort with yourself, a partner who is in presence will be coming sometime soon.
But then don’t look for it from them even at that point. Find it in yourself and everything else will then fall into place.

melinda: i know i have come a long, long way in that regard and for the most part know how to feed myself the food i need.

medicineman: Yes you can put it that way but you have no where to go and nothing else to do

melinda: i thot the interaction w bill was mutually engaging n joyful but once he shut down n stopped being present n open it has led me to the cusp of this big thing for me
You are already there. embrace it and let go of all of the forms. People, things, places, routines – it’s all temporary and doesn’t exist. It all will pass way and is passing away. The peace inside you and the being who is joy is who you are. Peaceful joy, you need to come as a little child experiencing life as you just were born. You are expecting too much of yourself. Consider the lillies. Wake up, feed yourself, drink, do what you need to do today to meet life’s challenges, and all of the rest will come to you.
This is wonderful, like I said before. This is YOUR PAIN BODY STORY. It is not you melinda
You are joy and peace
That other thing is a parasite living in your body mind and spirit. Let it go. It is all made up, only a story you are believing.
Ego wants to hold onto it and be a victim. You are in control. make your life wonderful right now. Go get a massage, or have a spa day. Enjoy life right now and decide how to make today wonderful and love yourself. Look in the mirror and go love yourself and tell yourself all the great things about you. You are a wonderful being

melinda: it sent me questioning whether i was reading things all wrong between us, but i know that is not true. i know what i felt n what i saw n what i heard. n i know he changed n shut down n that is his n not mine but i cannot change it. it is not the path for me

i still want mom n dad to be dif than they r. i want to go to them n cry n get that comfort.

medicineman: Yes he is a wonderful person but not on the same page of presence as you. Not good enough for you. Let him go. Let the parents go. Assume you will never get it from them. Only focus on giving it to yourself. Do the young child meditation – see yourself as a 3 year old. Tell yourself what you would want your daddy and mommy to say to you. Do it in the mirror. Only after you can do this for yourself will you have people outside of you attracted to you who will be able to do it. Right now they can’t because you can’t for yourself. Its basic attraction. You need to change your attraction. If we both change our attraction our mom and dad might change
Or other people who function as moms and dads will come into your life.
my best friend is a super brother to me and so is my other close friend in Florida – like older brothers that give me advice and comfort.

melinda: funny u said massage bc im going at 2
my own brother can’t do that for me because of his own state and because of of mine toward him. And I know there is nothing I can do but continue to look for it in myself first, not elsewhere. Only as I find peace, comfort, wisdom and guidance from the source/God within can any of those people be attracted to me with the same stuff. As much as I give it to myself and others is what I will receive back.
press down shaken together and running over back to me.
And you
nice about the massage. My asian body work guy near hills seafood is amazing. I do it every month.
Finds issues and works them out…stuff that’s been issues for years is breaking up and going away…shoulders, hip – torn ligaments and problem knots
It’s all tied to the pain body actually all tied together

melinda: i know. everywhere i turned while out riding or hiking w bill i saw things he didnt see n experienced a spirituality he didnt
right
i was just telling my friend dave last nite i need to be w someone who is thirsty, on the same quest

medicineman: present. there is no where to go. only within to joy and peace
you have nothing to do
eat, sleep, drink, meet the challenges of the day with joy, do what you want deep inside. Not chasing material things and forms but what you want to do in life
do one step today toward a new life how you want it
eat drink, enjoy your daughter, love yourself and where you are, go to bed. Get up, repeat

melinda: thats just it – i have created a wonderful life in which i am deeply happy in many respects. but i do desire even more meaningful relationships. we r not solitary beings. i get a lot from sharing w other humans. n i was really enjoying that w bill – incredible sex, riding, hiking, going out n having fun eating n drinking. sharing families. i want that. i want to be part of a larger family unit

medicineman: Life is god. Love is god. Life and love are the source. they are bubbling inside of you. feel the life force in your body. it wants to create. you will have that. bills not the guy but look you are getting closer to the guy….what about that?
the guys keep getting better as you get deeper in presence. Stop trying to hold onto the guys who are there just to show you your pain and to let go of it. Let go of them and the pain and move onto today and who may show up today

melinda: i know. being w him n engaging n enjoying it the way i did showed me i am more ready n capable than ever.

medicineman: right, he was a training guy
you were both in the right place and it was beautiful. now something new
and better

melinda: losing it made me even more appreciative of that component…

medicineman: right. now give it to yourself how you like it
then others with the same features that you give to your 3 year old child within will find you
you won’t have to look or hold on to them
once you have it inside, the vibration of love and acceptance and presence for yourself, the right people will just come and then they may go because you go deeper and they don’t and then there will be another who goes deeper, and then you may get deeper into presence yourself and see another part of the pain to let go of

melinda: ur right. the last major breakthru ive had over the past two yrs has been that im not broken. i dont have to get somewhere else further than where i am. i dont have to be fully healed. and i cant let this thing w bill – which is totally about him n not about something wrong w me – put me into a tailspin, feeling like im back at square one when im not at all
i am infinitely more happy n fulfilled within myself than ever before in my life.

medicineman: right. keep doing that. how did you get that peace and comfort inside. don’t look for anything new, just repeat the actions that brought you that peace and stillness
there is no guru needed. it’s all pointing to what’s already inside you
love, life, god, the source. you have it already and are already tied into it. keep feeding it and let go of the stories
let go of your sad story it’s just fear and it doesn’t exist

melinda: i know. several friends r like ‘u need to see a therapist’ n i try to explain that i did that for yrs n learned all i cud from them n the last one sent me off on my way two wks after fred died. they r good for people who havent scratched the surface but most of them havent gone as far as i have so cant show me
i ‘know’ what to do. just have to keep moving toward it and am more aware n enlightened every day
the thing is, it makes it hard bc other people cant relate. theyre operating on a whole dif plane.

medicineman: yup they are, most of them. but a new species is arising who will be able to survive and this mess humanity is in and this will enlighten them. you are on the beginning of that. others are starting to awaken. there will be a wave, we are on the beginning. the age of picies is gone. the age of Aquarius is here. its water and spirit. flow. not medicinemant and dogma. nothing in forms. no form. water and spirit. most people on earth won’t be able to live in this new age and will fall away one way or another. it will be impossible to continue without being present. you are on the crash course. this is wonderful. you have met your pain body and your pain
it has exposed itself for what it is. a parasite keeping you held back and sucking all of your love energy which is creative life energy. identify it and starve it
laugh at it. it’s not you
thank god it’s not
THAT’S NOT US melinda!!!!
that was mom and dad and it’s not us. we believed a story that was a lie from satan

melinda: yeah, thats another part i didnt say about therapy. none of this awareness n enlightenment stuff was popular when i was seeking therapy. altho schema therapy identifies the underlying issues, it didnt identify successful resolution. i cud work n work n work n not resolve. i have to accept state of grace n give away my burden. i am really struggling with holding onto my burden of pain. my story of pain as the definition of me. been trying hard to resist letting the source pry it out of my hands.
the crux of the Radical Forgiveness book is that we hold onto being victims.

medicineman: You are not struggling at all. That is not you. That is the pain body. The ego. It doesn’t want to die. You think it’s you. It’s not. Let go of that story. Embrace the melinda who is peaceful inside and needs nothing to change
nothing needs to change. Just start relating to the real you not the other one who needs a story to survive and be a victim

melinda: it is true n i know that. yes, it has been a struggle between the real me n ego. i honestly have come to believe how great n wonderful n deserving i am over the past cple yrs.
i know bill is a tool to have brought this back to the forefront to be dealt with.

medicineman: who are you without the story? why are you afraid to let it go? who are you without any of it? what is the problem right now? what problems do you have right now

melinda: u wudnt believe how dead on the first story in the book is. or u wud lol. bc it is exactly what i have dealt with. u will continue to create the painful situations again n again in ur life in order to have the opportunity to bring up the original pain n heal it by forgiving

medicineman: yup

melinda: the only problems i have right now r dealing w parental stress n i am doing what i need to do

medicineman: you are really breaking thru. awesome!!!

melinda: i can solve all my problems

medicineman: why is that a problem right now? right now not yesterday or tomorrow
it’s not
there is nothing to solve. leave it to god
enjoy your day

melinda: yes, i will. i am.

medicineman: you need to really enjoy your day and love yourself. there are no problems
its a beautiful rainy spring day. what can you do to live life (a wonderful life) and to love yourself today? do that only that’s the only thing to address
all else are lies, fabrication. untruth. Not real
it does not exist

melinda: im a lil low physically too bc i had violent dairrhea yest n stil a lil this morn. body symbolically purging

medicineman: yes this happens and is a great sign. eat sea salt and water or mix the two. Green tea as much as you can handle until noon or 3pm.
great sign. purge it.
put back sea salt, magnesium, bananas, coconut oil and coconut milk.

melinda: this is on top of the fact i have been able to lose 4-5lbs over past few wks bc been exercising so much. loving lots of outdoor time n eating well. body riding excess

medicineman: Do you have CALM magnesium drink? How about epsom salts? if so bathe for an hour in it. Find CALM at local heath food store and take it before the massage and after
Me too, I
I’m getting huge and strong. Primal diet and standing up on bike so much. Legs and arms are much bigger than 3 months ago and I can just keep going over ridiculous rocks and climbs and stuff. I’m super strong and vibrantly healthy!
it all works together. keep feeding the health of your body and the mind and spirit will come with….they have to
feed whatever feels good, body, mind and spirit
I love you.
Nothing real can be threatened
Nothing unreal exists
Herein lies the peace of God
melinda: thank u so much. i love u too. i knew u wud understand where i was and where im going

medicineman: we are in the same place and are here for each other – you for me just as much

melinda: there is definitely an awakening. im happy n grateful we get to have our personal ones during a time of larger awakening

medicineman: yup
Your pain body and ego are the only one that has a problem right now. You have recognized them and are going to ignore them and not believe that they are you. This is threatening their life. They are squirming and doing anything they can to get you to believe in them. Observe them and let them die. Mother fuckers.
anything that has a problem is not you. You have joy and peace and love only

From “A course in miracles” – Sin is defined as “lack of love”. Since love is all there is, sin in the sight of the Holy Spirit is a mistake to be corrected, rather than an evil to be punished. Our sense of inadequacy, weakness and incompletion comes from a strong investment in the “scarcity principle” that governs the whole world of illusions. From that point of view, we seek in others what we feel is wanting in ourselves. We “love” another in order to get something ourselves. That, in fact, is what passes for love in the dream world. There can be no greater mistake than that, for love is incapable of asking for anything.

melinda: inner child healing
become empowered to have internal boundaries so i can relax and learn to enjoy life in the moment while healing
our parents did not know how to be emotionally honest or how to truly love themselves so there is no way we could have learned those things from them.
the trauma of feeling like we were not safe in our own homes makes it very difficult to feel like we are safe anywhere. feeling like we were not lovable to our own parents makes it very difficult to believe that anyone can love us.
let go of trying to control n the worrying that accompanies those attempts. it is possible to become empowered to have choices in life at the same time u r letting go of trying to be in control.
today i have choices about how i respond to my internal process. today i can let go of the future and the past for this moment, which gives me the freedom to be happy and joyous in the moment for quite a few of the moments of my day
spirituality is a word that describes one’s relationship w life

medicineman: I’m so happy about your healing I’m about to cry
be free now. free yourself now.
Old pirates, yes, they rob I;
Sold I to the merchant ships,
Minutes after they took I
From the bottomless pit.
But my hand was made strong
By the ‘and of the Almighty.
We forward in this generation
Triumphantly.
Won’t you help to sing
This songs of freedom
‘Cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds.
Have no fear for atomic energy,
‘Cause none of them can stop the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look? Ooh!
Some say it’s just a part of it:
We’ve got to fullfil the book.

Won’t you help to sing
This songs of freedom-
‘Cause all I ever have:
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs;
Redemption songs.
—
/Guitar break/
—
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our mind.
Wo! Have no fear for atomic energy,
‘Cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say it’s just a part of it:
We’ve got to fullfil the book.
Won’t you have to sing
This songs of freedom? -
‘Cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -
All I ever had:
Redemption songs:
These songs of freedom,
Songs of freedom.

bob got it
thank you prophet Marley
saint